16 Weeks

Week Eight: Questions

March 17, 2009

Tags: graduation
Posted in: graduation

Today, as random as a lightning bolt in blue skies, it hit me. With fear and anticipation and restlessness, I looked up at my co-worker and said, “I’m graduating in two months.”

He didn’t hear me, or pretended not to (he does this).

The illumination of the fleeting epiphany had already dimmed as I said the words. I turned back to work, otherwise known as sighing hopelessly at $90 shoes on the Urban Outfitters website.

Thinking about it again now I can already feel the blood pumping faster inside my chest. Even as I’m writing this I’m trying to figure out what it is. Fear? Excitement? Elation? Happiness? Maybe it’s that in two months I won’t be coming to campus anymore, something that’s become both a second home and a dreaded destination. I won’t have reason to come to campus except be a nuisance to some of my co-workers or hang out on the Quad.

Maybe it’s the fact I don’t have much of a solid plan after this. Europe, yes. New York, yes. The where’s are covered but the how’s, when’s , why’s and what’s are vague. Too vague for an aspiring journalist who is accustomed to filling in the answers to these questions.

Do I revise it? Do I have a choice? What will I do for work during the summer? What will I do before Mike and I go to Europe? What will I do when we come back from Europe? Should we move immediately to New York or should we stay longer? How am I going to pay for all that? Will these plans work out? Are these plans really what I want?

I am confused. I want answers though I know I have to come up with them myself. With every milestone comes questions and plans and work. And here I thought graduation would bring me some relief and rest. I guess I was wrong. I feel totally unprepared for what comes after commencement.

Sure, I’ll be graduated. But then what?